Diary of a Network Geek

I didn't do anything bad today.

But, I wanted to.
I've been craving cigarettes all week, but I haven't gone and bought any or bummed any.  Nor do I plan to.  Even though I want to chain smoke really badly.
I haven't had a drink this week.
Oh, I've thought about drinking a little 80 proof medicine to "help me sleep", but I haven't done it.  I almost bought into the illusion that the drink would help me forget my self-directed anger and my continual embarrassment.  But, the reality is that, even if it did for a few minutes when I was drunk, it'd all come back when I sobered up.  And I'd be embarrassed by having been drunk.
I've wanted to pound my fists against something hard in anger and frustration because I just never seem to learn.  But, I didn't do that, either.

Instead, I cleaned three great, big, black garbage bags of junk my ex-wife left behind out of my house.  They're by the curb now, waiting to get hauled away.  There'll be more next week.
And, I made arrangements to join a standing pot-luck dinner at one of my minister's houses Friday night.  I still don't know what I'll bring, but I won't cook.  I want them to have a good impression that first night, after all.
And, I made a promise to write something for another blogger's special project.  A project that she'd aimed towards women, until she found out that sometimes men have the same problems women do, even if we don't talk about them as much.
And, I made an appointment to meet my other minister for coffee on Saturday before church.  Though I have no real idea why, he always seems eager to sit and talk with me.  I must have more interesting spiritual problems than I realized.  Who knew?

So, I did good things today.   I can always do those other things, those things that will slowly eat me up.
But, not today.

Some things never change.

You know, no matter how hard I try, it seems there are just some things about me that never change. Take, for instance, my terrible luck with the opposite sex. Okay, not so much "luck" as the results of a range of poor interpersonal skill and bad choices. Frankly, every time something like this happens, it's just like Junior High. (I think they call that "Middle School" in Texas.)
There was a girl, naturally, who caught my fancy right at that special time when we were all "changing" and discovering all these new feelings about our opposite member. Her name was Julie. Nice gal, cute, popular, the works. Sadly, I was not cute nor popular. Only I hadn't figured out that mattered yet. I was a late bloomer. So, throwing most of my caution to the wind, I wrote her a note, no doubt expressing my undying love for her with all the eloquence my little seventh-grade writing skills could muster. I think I can sum it up by saying I wrote something equivalent to "I like you. You're pretty. Do you like me?"

I was subtle in my delivery of said note. No go between for me! Nope, I bravely told her she dropped something and handed her the note. Then, I believe I practically ran in the opposite direction. Then, for what felt like the next six years, Julie and her friends, the popular girls, all pointed and laughed and made me feel... Well, I guess they didn't make me feel anything, but what I felt was strange, bad, small, and "less than". It was a feeling that chased me all through the rest of Junior High and High School, too.
It was that feeling that made me feel good enough to help the cheerleader with her physics homework, but not good enough to be her actual date. No, that was reserved for her boyfriend who was too busy with his Advanced Placement Physics to help her figure out basic physics. Honestly, I doubt she even remembers my name today.
But, that's pretty well how things played out over those years. I was the nice guy that all the girls felt safe around, and I worked at that, but, as a result, none of them really thought of me "that way". In retrospect, I wonder how many of them thought I was gay. Regardless, that's just how things were. No, I'm not whining about that "nice guys finish last" malarkey. It's not that they didn't like me, but, somehow, in being safe and careful with them, I just got shuffled off into another category where dating wasn't a possibility.

So, flash forward about twenty years and several relationships, including one failed marriage. You'd expect that I'd have learned something, right? Apparently not. I discovered that I've made an ass of myself again, doing the same things that I did in Junior High.
I put myself out there. I was as real and genuine as I know how to be. I wore my heart on my sleeve. And, I even got a little response. Enough, at least, to keep me hooked. Oh, I put her on the prayer list at church. I prayed for her, at her request. I even sent prayers along to her. (Prayer and my relationship with God is actually a very private intimate thing that I don't share with a lot of people.) I was caring and I listened to her problems. The whole nine yards. But, Monday morning, when I got into work, I found out she'd been to a Super Bowl party with someone else as her date. Her and her kids.
The guy who squealed had no idea that I was the most likely reason why she'd sworn him to secrecy, or I'm sure he wouldn't have told me.
I'll tell you true, faithful readers. I felt like a right jackass. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was damn mad at myself for getting into that position yet again. And worse, for letting it get to me. And, yes, it really burns me up that after more than twenty years, when I do this to myself, I can still hear Julie and her friends laughing at me.

A friend told me, via e-mail, that it was just my turn to go through this. Again. Just like everyone else. And, honestly, I know that. Deep in my heart, I know he's right. And, yes, I can hear my very own father saying "In a hundred years, who will care?" And, yes, I know that's true, too.
But none of that makes it sting less today.
And, yes, just like in Junior High, I want to say something, do something, to make her see, make her understand how unfair it is. How I felt deceived. How I would have handled it all differently if I'd just known from the outset that I wasn't dateable. But, I know, just like in Junior High, that none of that would be of any use anyway.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself today.
Thank you.

Not quite as exciting as gun-wielding maniacs...

But, this is still a big deal to Novell and Linux worshipers.   First, over the weekend, there was a story run by Reuter's saying, in essence, that the Free Software Foundation might somehow ban Novell from selling or packaging Linux in the future.  Naturally, this sent a lot of people into quite a tizzy.  That would be a terrible blow to Novell, who's really staked their future on the success of Linux and their products on Linux.  I would imagine their stock took quite a hit today.

Thankfully, the folks over at Linux Magazine have a clearer picture of what's going on.  First,  the FSF doesn't control Linux or Linux distribution rights.  Secondly, what they're actually talking about is moving certain key utilities and chucks of code from the current license, the GPLv2, to a new license, GPLv3, which might, somehow, restrict who could redistribute the code.  Linus himself has said that he will NOT move the Linux kernel, which is the heart of Linux, to the newer, more restrictive GPLv3.  So, in short, what we have is a Linux community that's panicked over the deal Novell made with Microsoft and is spreading a little, old-fashioned FUD.  Interestingly enough, that's a technique that Microsoft used to fight Linux.  Oh, how the worm turns.

So, in short, while this all made for great pseudo news, it's not much more than smoke and mirrors.  Of course, it's smoke and mirrors that will no doubt effect Novell's stock price, but, still...

So, we had a little excitement at work last week.

Hmm, let's see if I can tell this story without implicating anyone...
These two guys at work got into it last week. One's an older guy, probably close to retirement age. We'll call him Cowboy. The other one is younger, in fact, barely out of high school. We'll call him Young'un. Young'un used to work in the same department that Cowboy did, but moved on to another area. Young'un, in fact, works here because his father, who we'll call Pappy, works here in yet another department.
So, Cowboy was always running his mouth about one thing or another and he got into it with Young'un. Things escalated to the point that Cowboy apparently got very upset. He left the heated "conversation" and went to his cubicle. He returned with a paper bag that he started shoving in Young'un's face. Then, he pulled the bag off his hand and revealed a loaded .45. For those of you unfamiliar with that reference, that'd be a kind of handgun.

Well, somehow, things de-escalated to the point that they both walked away without incident. But, Young'un was bothered by this behavior, to say the least. Based on what I pieced together, he talked to several people about it, including Pappy. Pappy, being a standard, protective father, wanted to handle things "the country boy way", his words, and stomp the excrement out of Cowboy after work. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and the police were called.
Turns out, Cowboy had a rather long rapsheet. Several counts of burglary of various flavors, spiced with prior weapons charges and assorted felonies. In fact, he was in the last year of his parole for his latest felony. Now, again, for those of you not familiar with our criminal justice system, it is illegal for a convicted felon to possess and handgun. It's also a violation of his parole.
When I left Thursday night, after working a little late, the nice officers were still doing their paperwork, but, I'm told, that he's now a guest of the State. His car was still in our parking lot most of the weekend, but was gone this morning when I came in. The gossip grapevine hasn't delivered any news regarding his ultimate legal fate, but I suspect he's be a guest at the Gray Bar Inn for quite some time.

Okay, now, I have to be honest about this. As glad as I am that he's off the street, I feel a little sorry for the old guy. I just try to put myself in his shoes and imagine the long string of bad decisions that led him to this place. In spite of having made some really big mistakes in my own life, honestly, it's a bit hard to see myself doing that many things that wrong.
Still, I pray that God will take care of even so lost a lamb. And, I pray that I never get so lost.

UPDATE:  Apparently, Cowboy is out on bond.  Not sure how that could have happened, all things considered, but there's limits to my grapevine.

and Tired, actually.

I know I promised my readers more this weekend, but I've just been too sick and tired to write.  Though, God knows, there's been plenty to write about.  Before the week is out, I'll have written at least one post about a gun-wielding maniac and another about how a nice guy like me just can't get a break.  Woe is I, woe is I.

Anyway, I'm off to bed because I have to get the energy to write tomorrow.
Sorry, but that's just the way things go.

Okay, these are all crazy links that almost have a theme.

Well, if you count that I found them all amusing, I guess that could be a theme.
Hey, at least they're funny!
First, there's chicks noodling. Now, if you aren't familiar with noodling, that'd be bare-handed catfish fishing. No rod or reel, just you and the catfish, mano-a-mano. Er, mano-a-fino. Anyway, when I saw this on Delenda Est Carthago, I just had to share the CatfishGabblin' video series. (Pretty safe for work, so no worries.)
Next, in a totally different vein, there's the Hello Kitty Tarot deck. Yes, it's the occult made cute with the Hello Kitty Tarot deck. Not much I can add to that.
But, I think the Cell Phone Micro Garden might just top it. Yes, these are actual plants in actual tiny jars that you hang from your cell phone. I guess it's for the Greenies that want to start small.
And, for those of you with kids, I have the Revolver Cookie Cutter and "Gelli Baff". While I think the cookie cutter is self explanitory, Gelli Baff might take a bit of description. It's a powder that you add to water to make, well, colored goo that your kids can play with. To get rid of the good, you just add a neutralizer and more water to rinse it away. I wish we had these when I was a kid!

And, finally, there's a story on Information Week about two kids passing notes in the comments section of someone's blog. Apparently, all other communication was banned and locked out, but these two girls managed to find a new way to pass notes in class on the same blog that reported the story. So, watch your blog comments, folks, you never know what you might find!

So, enjoy your Friday Fun Links and I promise, I'll write something real this weekend.

Not the best way to communicate this, but...

For those of you who contact me via e-mail with an AOL address, I've had trouble getting a reply through to you.  Apparently, my ISP, SBC/AT&T/Whatever they call themselves this week, is having some kind of communictation problem with AOL's servers.
So, I got your e-mails, but I can't get a reply back to you.

In essence, though, everyone just wrote "Um, hello?  Still there?  Couldn't write a bit more to let us know you're still alive?".  So, let me go on record that there's more coming, as soon as I have a bit of time to think the posts through and edit them and all that.

In short, more soon.

Okay, there is no theme to this at all.

Well, I guess, links I saw this week that made me scratch my head could be a theme, but, whatever...
First, as many of us are thinking about our taxes and how to pay less of them to the government, this story from MSN about the 9 wierdest tax write-offs made me laugh. I especially liked the one about the pimped out Amish buggy.
Then, there was this story about RFID tattoos. My first thought was that it would be an interesting way to track your kids, but, apparently, they're using it to track livestock. Which makes sense, since meat is the most shoplifted item in the stores. I mean, meat isn't cheap, so it wouldn't surprise me to find out how much gets stolen on the hoof, too. And, I'm sure it'd be easier for other kinds of record keeping, too.
The last wacky link is to a story about the iPod index. Well, to be more specific, an index to track currency values based on the cost of an iPod. Apparently, an Australian bank is using the iPod as a commodity on which to place relative values of world currency. I wonder if it's occurred to them that shipping and manufacturing costs in various parts of the world might skew that index? Well, anyway, iPod fanataics already know ours are like gold.

So, now, I've hopefully given you something to read that ends your week with a chuckle.
Enjoy your Friday Fun links!

I haven't written much about technology lately...

I know this blog started out as a very technical, very geeky blog, but since a lot of what I do these days has gotten so tied to things like company policy and some other proprietary information, I haven't been talking a lot of tech. Well, today, I've got something I think all Novell and Linux guys, like me, have been watching. Sometime back Novell bought SuSE, a German Linux distribution and support company. They then proceeded to move their entire line of products away from a DOS-based, proprietary kernel and onto the SuSE Linux kernel. Really, I think, a pretty smart move.
Then, last year, Novell entered into an unholy alliance with the evil empire, Microsoft. Basically, Microsoft gave Novell a bunch of money so that they'd work on software "stuff" that made SuSE Linux interface more easily and seamlessly with Microsoft's line of server software. Oh, the hue and cry about that! Well, now, I think I see why they did it.

According to this story on News.com, Walmart has contracted with Microsoft to expand their on-line business using Windows Server and SuSE.  Apparently, Walmart, who had been a Redhat customer, was hesitant about expanding because of concerns regarding the intellectual property rights of Linux, thanks to that old SCO lawsuit that should have been thrown out of court a long time ago.  But, part of the deal with Microsoft and Novell is that Walmart can get support from both companies for whatever might go wrong and get indemnification against any copyright infringement suits regarding Linux.
Suddenly, that Microsoft/Novell deal doesn't seem so crazy to me.

I still wonder, though, what the hell I should study up on next.  Security maybe?  I mean, no matter what operating system people run, they'll still be worried about security.  Besides, I already know Linux, Novell and Microsoft products fairly well.  In fact, I have certifications in two of the three, not to mention way too much experience in all three areas.  I just don't know.  The IT landscape of the future is getting pretty crowded and bumpy, not to mention shrouded in heavy fog.  Any suggestions from the techies?

Johnny was a chemist's son,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H20
was H2SO4.

Well, I guess this "chemistry" business might be more important than I was willing to believe.
In short, I got the brush-off via e-mail last night. S. liked me well enough, according to her e-mail, but just didn't see us as a couple. It was actually a very polite, simple, straight to the point note. I know the modern relationship experts say you shouldn't do that sort of thing via e-mail, but, considering that we met via Match.com and only went out twice, it seemed fine to me. At least she actually told me what was going on, gave an understandable reason for her decision and didn't try to dance around with it. So often, especially with the on-line stuff, communication just stops with no reason or explanation or anything. And, yes, that goes both ways. Men do that to women as often as women do it to men.

In any case, it's done and that's fine.
Really, on the way home from work last night, I found myself thinking about the last chemistry post and the comments there and I started asking myself what I was doing. What was my goal in all this? I guess I knew it wasn't working, too, but thought, or hoped, that another date or two would change things a bit. Ah, well, I've always been good at thinking myself into circles. I don't trust my feelings when it comes to making decisions, especially about people. I don't know, maybe I've been fooled so many times by people who present themselves as one thing only to turn out totally different. Appearances, truly can be deceiving.

Right now, though, going with that "feeling" stuff, the only people I'm interested in are off-limits for various reasons.
The two women I feel most drawn to, the most chemistry with, are a friend's ex-fiance that he's far from over, no matter what he says, and C., the receptionist at work with a Drama Quotient so high it's practically off the scale.
See why I shy away from trusting my feelings or relying on chemistry?

(Incidentally, that little ditty at the start of the post is on a t-hsirt at Think Geek. And H2SO4 is sulfuric acid. Or, to steal a quote from the Naked Gun, "It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside. ")