Diary of a Network Geek

Damn mailservers.
Okay, look, I know that e-mail as defined in the original RFCs is not the most reliable service in the world, but this is getting pretty ridiculous. I know that I've missed several automated e-mail from my blog notifying me of incoming comments, but I have no idea what else I've missed. At least one person wrote a comment on this blog that mail she'd sent me bounced back, but I don't know how many other e-mails haven't made it to me. And, no, it does not help that I fix things like this for a living because I don't have access to the servers that are misbehaving, not to mention all the various points of failure between me and the sent mail.
Anyway, if you sent me e-mail and didn't get a response, please, send it again. Or, leave a comment on the blog. If your comment/e-mail is private, just add that to the start of the comment and I'll keep it hidden from the rest of the world. I moderate every comment on my blog, so no worries about something accidentally rolling live that shouldn't. Just be sure to mark the private stuff "PRIVATE:", okay?
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog obsession.

Have I mentioned that I love you?
Not everyone "gets it" when I say that. Especially men. I think we're conditioned from an early age to add all sort of weight to that statement that confuses things. But, I love people. I genuinely love them. Men and women. I love their stories, love knowing them. I love helping them, which is why I opened my home to the folks who are stopping by for a bit. Thankfully, the last several people I've told that to, that I love them, either in person or writing, have understood what I meant.

"Love as much as you can from wherever you are."   --Thaddeus Golas

Yeah, okay, so not every day is a love-fest with me. I do the best I can. I can find something to love about almost everyone. My friends are easy, of course, because they obviously love me. That's pretty well why they're my friends. I mean, if someone can wade through all the various horse hockey that surrounds the best part of me and still find reason to love me, well, I'm holding on to them! Still, I recognize that some people are going to be more challengeing to love than others, so I try not to beat myself up too much when there's someone that's extra work. Twenty years ago, I was a frightening homophobe, but today, some of my best friends are gay men. Things change, thank God. And I can learn to love more.

"Love is the only dimension that needs to be changed"   --Thaddeus Golas

Amen, Brother! If I can learn to love more every day without expecting more, I'll have really accomplished something in this life. By nature, I'm a mistrustful person and I tend to not rely on anyone else, but I fight against that every day. Love and trust are closely related for me. I have to learn to trust people more to be who they are and be okay. If I can only learn to love a little more than I do today, I'll have learned to trust people, and the God who made them, a little more, too. And, yes, maybe it's naive of me, but I think the world would be a better place if we all acted more out of love than anything else.

"Go beyond reason to love: it is safe. It is the only safety."   --Thaddeus Golas

And, there it is. There's the crux of the thing. Trust and safety. If I trust in love, I have to let go and believe that God will keep me safe. Sure, there's the possibility that I'll get hurt. That's also the point of the whole deal. It would be far, far easier to throw that love out there if we were sure everyone would love us back. But, getting love back isn't the point, is it? I mean, we all hope to be loved, but that's not why I was put on this Earth. My purpose is to love others. To reach out, in whatever way I can, to show others that they are loved. That is what living is all about.

"Enlightenment doesn't care how you get there."   --Thaddeus Golas

And, yes, I can turn myself around over night, and no, I am not manic-depressive. Just optimistic through sheer force of will.

A funny thing happened last week.
Well, not so much funny in the sense of "ha, ha, that was kind of different", but more like "uh, what was that about?"
First, there's a friend telling me that I'm "broken". Now, I'm pretty sure I know what he meant by that, but the way it was presented pushed buttons for me. Mainly, it pushed the "you're not good enough because you lack something that everyone else has" button. Realize, though, that I totally recognize this as an entirely internal process and reaction. At no point am I meaning to imply that my friend was saying this about me, but only that when I hear things like that I fill in that additional blank. It's probably my greatest character defect, that negative self-talk. Hence the rush to read The Spirituality of Imperfection. It might not help, but what can it hurt?
The second thing that made me blink like stunned cattle was the phone call telling me that my ex-wife was getting married. I know the person who told me reads this blog, so I'll try to be gentle with my reaction. But, my first thought was, "Okay, and...?" I mean, I know they must have been trying to do something helpful for me and I'm sure it was done out of love, but, honestly, my reaction was a shrug. Now, I'm really not saying this for effect or to "look good" for my blog audience, but I don't really care that much. My marriage is like a missing tooth. It's not there, sometimes I can't help feeling for it, but it doesn't really hurt that much. It's just that gap, the missing space. Okay, maybe I'm repressing some feelings or something, but my reaction was to feel around inside for a suitable reaction. It was like banging on an empty can. Sound came out, but not much else. I felt like I was expected to say something, something witty and dark, so I responded with "Well, I hope he's got a good prenup." (This guy is going to be worth quite a bit of money when his father dies, which is why I said that.) But, honestly, I don't care. I don't have any reason to not wish them both well and hope that they're happy. Surely, even my ex-wife deserves to be happy? Hey, if this guy makes her happy, then more power to them both. Get it while you can and hold on tight for as long as it lasts. (Sadly, while writing this post, I got e-mail confirming that they were married on Friday the Thirteenth. I just hope it turns out to be a lucky day for them!)
The third thing, which is really several things with a theme, is the perception about how I feel about my ex. First, I don't think she's evil. Sometimes cruel, certainly at least a little crazy, and pretty self-centered, but not evil. Second, I don't blame her for the divorce. I filed, for God's sake, not her. If I waited for her, I'd still be married to her! Her last divorce took more than two years to get going and that was only because I was tired of waiting. I blame ME for the marriage and the divorce. I never should have been there or doing what I was doing. I did what I did and got what I got. Plain and simple. And, I hate that I was so stupid that it took years to see that and start to deal with it. Yeah, start to deal with it. Then, a friend told me that another mutual acquaintance felt like all the apparently bitter little things I have said in person about the divorce and ex wear thin, quick. And, I bet they do. Wish someone who was bothered by it had said something sooner so I was more aware of it sooner and could curb the bad habit. Thing is, bad habits get invisibile for me, otherwise, they wouldn't become bad habits. Somewhere in the past year, I fell into the habit of making dark, bitter jokes about marriage and my ex. Okay, not funny. Never were, but now they're not serving any purpose for me, so I should stop. Especially because I don't think marriage is bad and wouldn't mind being married again, if I can fix enough of what I don't like about myself first.

So, here's the thing. All this stuff this past week just highlights that I feel empty. Not empty like "I have no reason to go on", but more like "my life has no passion". My job is like eating day-old oatmeal. My spirituality is like wet cardboard. My enthusiasm for my "hobbies" is about as intense as... Lord, that's so bad I can't even muster a metaphor or simile to describe my apathy. In short, this past week, I've felt rather like an empty shell. No real good reason for it, but, there it is. The husk of a man shuffling about his life hoping that too much doesn't flake off and disappear lest I become completely transparent.
But, I guess it's not so bad. After all, I have a number of readers that care enough to comment and metaphorically nudge me out of my rut into a better place. I really appreciate that. I love you all for taking the time to read and comment on the crazy things I write here. I really am much saner in person. Or, at least I can wear the act better in person.
And, though I get down on myself for being a big coward, at least I'm brave enough to hang this out there where it can be judged. Yes, judged, by people who's opinion matters to me, even though I haven't ever met you. And, as someone pointed out in e-mail, I have managed to keep my sense of humor, dark though it may be at times. So, to wrap things up, I'm going to link to the last Lore Brand Comics strip that I read before writing this post. Always leave 'em laughing!

I have to sort through some things.
In the past five days, I've gotten several pieces of information that require some sorting through. No, nothing on the blog or related to comments on the blog. Just some indirect personal observations about me and the residue of my old life that require some thought before being vomited out onto the blog. I need to be less defensive about some of it, I think, before I can write it and post it. I'll get back to you on that one.
I did, however, set aside A practical guide to Buddhist Meditation in favor of a book Doc bought for me called The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning. One of the things I'm thinking through is the statement made by a friend of mine earlier in the week that I was "broken". I know what he was trying to say, or, rather, I think I know what he was trying to say, but I rather took exception to the way he said it. I'm not disagreeing, mind, because I think we are all flawed in some way. All less than perfect. All "broken" in some way. But, that's one of those things I'm working on getting my head around. And, of course, the book was well timed, so it's become a priority.
More this week as things bubble up.

Here's something I don't miss.
Some time back, I wrote a post about what I miss most about not being in a relationship. But, that's a ways behind me now and I'm finally looking at dating again. Making it through an evening without mentioning my ex-wife was a kind of watershed moment in that regard. I figured that no one would want to suffer through a date with me while I whined about my ex. But, as I get warmed up here, I started thinking about this post that Jill, from Jill Writes, did the other day. It stirred something in me, that clever post. (No, this is a family show, folks. That is not what it stirred!) But, it wasn't until today that it occurred to me what it was that I didn't miss about dating.
The Game.

Should I call or shouldn't I? Did she look at me because my fly is open or because, as Doc says, I have "bedroom eyes"? Am I in her league? Is she in mine? What the devil is she thinking? What the heck was I thinking when I put this shirt on today, knowing that I'd see her? Wait, what did that eye contact mean? Was that a shy, little smile meant to draw me in? Or is my fly really open? Should I pretend to be cool? Or should I let her know that I'm into her? If I'm direct and forthright, will that scare her off? It has before, but will it this time? If I can get her phone number from the web, should I call? Or would that freak her out? If I ask her out via e-mail will she blow it off because it's e-mail? Is that enough reason to call instead? I mean, I don't want her to think I'm a stalker, but it would be easy enough for me to get her phone number from the web. It is, after all, part of what I do for a freakin' living. I mean, look at the blog name, right? God, will you give me a sign about this please? No, I mean a bigger sign than that flashing one with the "Accident Ahead" message in lights. Is she trying to tell me something when she e-mails, but won't call me? What the hell is she thinking?

Yeah, that little stream of consciousness ran through my head earlier this week.
So, here's the thing. I hate playing this game, but what can I do? Is there a woman alive who believes that I'm really not looking to get her into bed? Honestly, that's not my agenda. But, I guess it's hard to believe that a guy like me is actually interested in who a woman is, what she thinks and how she feels. And, that really is all I'm looking for right now. Oh, sex would be nice, don't get me wrong, but, honestly, it would be better to get to know someone first. You know, for a change, as opposed to how I met my ex-wife. Is that really such a hard thing to believe? Maybe it is.
Ladies, if a guy were to walk up to you on the street and ask to buy you a cup of coffee, and you found him reasonably attractive, would you bite? Er, I mean, would you say yes? Under what circumstances? What is the "safe" way for a guy to approach a woman he's just met and ask her out?
God, I hate being clueless about this stuff! I hate the Game, but, worse, I hate not knowing the Rules. Anyone care to enlighten me?

I stayed up late last night to finish The Torturer's Apprentice.
It's not my usual fare, and I really should have been through it much sooner. It wasn't a long book, and very good, but I've been a little, er, "scattered" lately. Well, that and the Advanced Ripped Fuel I've been taking to try and up my metabolic rate so that I actually have the energy to do aerobic exercise again. (I keep reading about people running marathons and such, but my knees are too bad for that sort of thing. Besides, I think hitting the heavy bag would be better for my repressed rage.) Right, sorry, what was on about?
Ah, the book! Yes, quite well done, actually. A series of short stories, none related, several taking place in and around New Orleans before Katrina was even a tropical depression. As I mentioned this is quite a departure from my normal trash reading, but I was well rewarded for my risk. John Biguenet writes about wounded people trying to make their way in the world. The Vulgar Soul, which is the first story, is about an unbeliever, or, at best, an agnostic, who comes down with a case of stigmata. It's a touching tale of loss and redemption, though, with a bit of a twist. Then, there was Lunch With My Daughter. I was touched deeper than I thought possible by this one. In fact, that may have been why I set the book aside for a bit. Very powerful writing, though it's my personal life that triggered the deep emotion. The Work of Art, frankly, left me longing for love. It made me think about what I was looking for in a relationship and who might embody that. This was the story that had me reading late into the night last night. Do Me almost finished me off. A disturbing tale of passion and erotisicm, which I honestly didn't expect, and pain. Always with love and passion the pain. Frankly, it hit a little close to home and I was relieved it ended in a way that resembled my life not at all. Any other alternative would have been far, far too disturbing.
In any case, everything was well written and thought-provoking, but those stories stuck out for me. Over all it was well done. The writing disappeared behind the story, which is always a good thing for me. It's a short book and well worth picking up.

Today at lunch, I started A practical guide to Buddhist Meditation, which promises to be a good one. I've been meaning to start meditating again for some time. I used to do it when I was in college, but, then, I got consumed with my consumer life and much of my spirituality slipped away. Unless you count the girls I pursued to no avail. That's fairly Zen-like, pursuing that which cannot be attained. Isn't that the definition of Zen? "That which, when sought, cannot be found, but is found when the search is abandoned"?
Oh, that reminds me of something. The other day, I reccomended a book to someone via e-mail, but it's been hard to get. Well, the book, the Science of Breath, is now online! Well worth checking out.

And, now, it's off to a cheap dinner at the local Vietnamese noodly shop and thence to Half-Price Books. Anyone have suggestions for what to keep an eye out for?

Or, Why Everyone Else Fears Friday the Thirteenth!
I always thought it was because Judas was the Thirteenth Apostle or something like that. No, according to this article on GlobalPsychics.com, it has to do with the plot to suppress the Knights Templar. Hey, stop laughing! That's what it says!! And, I quote:

The modern basis for the Friday the 13th superstition stems from Friday October the 13th, 1307. On this date, the Pope of the church in Rome in Conjunction with the King of France, carried out a secret death warrant against "the Knights Templar". The Templars were terminated as heretics, never again to hold the power that they had held for so long. There Grand Master, Jacques DeMolay, was arrested and before he was killed, was tortured and crucified. A Black Friday indeed!

So, there you have it, Friday the Thirteenth is a global conspiracy! Personally, I usually have better luck on Friday the Thirteenth, but, then, I always have been a little out of step with the world. Oh, and here's a link to some alternate ideas why everyone else is afraid of Friday the Thirteenth.
Enjoy it.

"When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen."
--Ernest Hemingway

Or, as my mother used to tell me, "Interested people are interesting people." I've been thinking about that lately, since I hope to be more social this year. And, since rumor has it that "social" activities involve actual people and could lead to actual dates where I'm only half of a conversation, instead of one sixteenth, this has been of great concern to me. I've never been good at small talk, but, as I hope some of my fellow bloggers are aware by now, I do ask fairly good questions. And, of course, I listen to the answers, well, too. That's sort of hard to see on the Internet, of course, but, still, it is something that I work at improving constantly.
I genuinely like people, most people, in fact. I think even the most annoying person can have an interesting story to tell. How did they get that scar? What's up with that crazy tattoo? Why do they hide from deep relationships? All these things can lead to a surprising story with open-ended possibilities. But, I have to ask the right questions. And listen.
The older I get the more I try to listen. More than that, though, I try to listen actively. Ask questions that keep the story flowing. Ask the questions that bring out new insights. If I'm lucky, sometimes, I can ask a question that brings out details and truths that no one else has heard before. I live for those moments. That kind of intimacy is what makes relationships, of all kinds.
Sometimes, though, I have to remember to listen with my heart, not my ears. Sometimes people need to feel that people care and “hear” them. I don't know any deeper expression of care and love than to listen deeply to someone. To hear their heart in their words. Granted, I don't do this as often as I would like, but, the times that I have done it, I have been keenly aware of the effects. Effects that run both ways. I've developed some of my best and deepest friendships this way. I only wish I'd understood this sooner.
Now, as most of my readers know, I rarely get this philosophical without a subtext. Today is no different. I'm going to be placing a phone call today to someone I don't know. To someone I hope to know better. Someone interesting and beautiful and, frankly, terrifying. I don't know where the conversation might lead or what I might either learn or reveal and that's a little scary. Of course, that's also why I'll be doing it. When I get scared like that, it's because I'm stepping outside my comfort zone. In this case, quite far outside my comfort zone. And, as always, that means growth. Frightening, painful, but, oh, so necessary growth. It's been a long time since I put myself out there like this. Opening myself to that kind of personal intimacy, at least with a member of the opposite sex.
I hope I remember how. How to listen.

Or, Hoffman's Home for Wayward Boys, The Revenge of the Wayward Boys.
So, now, for a short time only, I have a second roommate. A friend of Doc's who's been "asked to leave" his house by his wife. Yes, for those of you paying attention, there is a theme here at Hoffman's Home for Wayward Boys. Trouble with the wife seems to be the first step to the path that leads everyone through my home this year. Hopefully, that will change one day soon. As much as I like helping guys out, I'd much rather that their lives were rolling along smoothly enough that they were coming to "visit" because I'm just so cool. Well, I'll settle for available right now. The dog and her unconditional love may have something to do with it, too. She's real popular these days and getting spoiled with all the attention. I'm just thankful that I have the room to let people crash at my place while they get things straightened out, though, it looks like I'll have to get some more keys made if this keeps up.

It's funny, but I tried to explain why I do things like this to Doc last night and I don't thing he got it. See, I owe my ex-wife a debt I can never repay. About four years ago, she kicked me out of the house for a bit which sent me down a path that really helped me straighten out my life a lot. Sadly, along the way, one of the things that needed straightening was our relationship and the only way for that to work out was for her to either do some spiritual work herself or, well, the way things ended up. I know I'm far, far better off without her, but, still, I'm keenly aware that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for her and that relationship. Of course, since she has a personality like a wounded rattlesnake, there's not much point trying to pay her back for anything I percieve she did for me. And, really, anything she did for me was incidental to her getting what she wanted. But, still... Still, it's a reminder, like I got via e-mail, that something good can come from even a situation as bad as that one one was. And, I find the need to pass that kind of growth opportunity along, so I find myself doing things like opening my home to guys who are where I was a couple of years ago. Honestly, it's not much, but it's all I can do. And, it's a small price to pay for the life I have today.

Have you ever had to learn on the fly?
Well, most of us geeks have, at one time or another. In my case, it was basic Cisco router administration while under fire. No, not literally under fire, just in a tight spot with tons of pressure to get things done quickly and right the first time. Back then, it was pretty easy to get an entry-level Cisco certification, but they made that harder right about the time I tried to get it. Which, honestly, is besides the point. I didn't really need a Cisco cert to get stuff done. All I really needed was some basic commands. Well, now, we're all in luck. Thanks to TechRepublic, you can get through some basic Cisco admin tasks with little or no help. Just hit Cisco Administration 101, and they'll walk you through the basics of setting up a router. And, by basics, I mean setting the Admin password, too, not just configuring the interfaces. Basic configuration includes basic security!
Anyway, it's a start and enough to get you through a tight spot.