I find the strangest things on the internet.
Don’t ask me how I got to this person’s blog, because I have no idea anymore. But, in any case, I found a blog called “Forever Confused” with a post called “Desperation“. I’m not completely sure why, but that post really got to me. Not only did I find it sad and somewhat tragic, but, in a strange way, a relief, too.
I’ve been accused of a lot of crazy stuff in the past year or so and it’s been hard, at times, for me to sort out the real from the unreal. I start to question my own motives. I start to see things through other people’s eyes and wonder if I’m not more like the way they seem to see me than the way I see myself. Of course, my friends tell me that I’m closer to my own image of who I am, but they’ve never lived with me. Then, I see a post like this… I look at that continum of behavior within what is broadly described as “domestic violence” and compare it to how I acted in my past relationships. And, I breathed a sigh of relief. Oh, I’m far from perfect and I could be more of a “partner” or “helpmate” than I have been, but I’m not as bad as all that. I’m not the craven, depraved, head-case that I’d almost started to believe I could be. Though, I do still look forward to being able to see a therapist again. The simple fact that I can let others influence me and my opinion of myself to the degree that I do is evidence that I could “benefit” from therapy. Boy, howdy!
Still, I felt my heart go out to this person. She’s in a bad place. She’s hurting because of who she’s with and what’s going on. I’m sure there’s more to the story than she shows in her blog, but, isn’t that always the case? And, what’s worse, sight unseen, only from the pain I read in a fairly anonymous blog, I still found myself wanting to rescue her. It must be something hard-wired into a man’s brain. “Must be white knight! Must rescue Princess!” Like some kind of chivalric zombie. (“Brains! Brains!”) Ah, more evidence that I need my head examined. (“Brains! Brains!” ;)) But, of course, I’m not alone there. The other day I was talking to a friend and he saw that pattern right away, because he’d done the same thing! So, I guess it’s common. Ah, well, average once again. I wonder how many women use that as a way to get guys? “Oh, poor me! Help me!” And suddenly, the poor, penile pigeon is saddling up his testosterone horse to ride off and rescue some self-styled princess.
You know, maybe next time around I’ll look for someone who’s not quite so in need of being saved. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."