Cryptic References to Non-Events
Oh, so many things on my mind and so many ways to get into trouble talking about them.
To look at me, you’d never know that I’m the repository of so many secrets. I know so many things I shouldn’t that, at times, I think I’ll split at the seams and they’ll come rushing out in a sticky mess that will leave stains on the carpet. But, I dare not talk about them, or write about there here. If I tell Secret X, then Ms. Y will never confide in me again. If Secret Z comes out, then Mr. A will be so depressed there’s no telling what he might do. Worse yet, if I share about the thing with the people in the place who are dealing with that technical issue… Well, let’s just say it would be bad. Honestly, I never knew I was so trustworthy until I sat down last night to write about all the things on my mind that I simply shouldn’t talk about in public and started listing the secrets people have entrusted to me.
Worse still are the other things I more voluntarily keep inside though. Nothing the NSA would care about, mind, but important to me. To share those thoughts and feelings, I would have to make myself vulnerable to you, my few, faithful readers, and that, history has proven, is not the best idea. Besides, not all my readers are friendly. Some of them are down right mean and nasty, though those few seem to have finally learned that I won’t post their comments. I pretty well know what they think and, well, y’all know what they say about opinions…
I know, rumor has it that you blog-readers like reading about fear, uncertainty and doubt, but it’s gotten hard for me to share that. A little honesty is good, but, too much apparently leads to disaster on a Hindenburg-like scale. In the past, my experience being vulnerable with people has, to put it mildly, not worked out well at all. My therapist tells me that my sarcasm is a defense mechanism that keeps me from having to be in that oh, so delicate position of being vulnerable. Yet, I recognize that I must open myself to that potential pain, again and again, if I am to ever really connect with another human being. And, I really do want that, at least once before I die. Yes, I question that, in spite of having been married, that I’ve ever really been connected in a significant way with anyone, outside of family, anyway. Family is a different kind of connection, more fundamental, easier, more natural. The trick, I guess, is doing it in the right measure. Give them enough to let them in on the secret of me, but not so much that they get that “sticky-floor-in-a-cheap-movie-theater” feel about me.
That is a surprisingly tough balancing act.
Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"As long as you're green, you're growing; as soon as you're ripe you start to rot."
--Ray Kroc
you can tell me…and then i’ll post them on my blog ;-)~
haven’t had any visitors from arizona lately…you?
Comment by wendi — 6/23/2006 @ 8:19 am
It’s a tricky and intricate dance, learning to trust. You give just as much as you can afford to lose. Then, when you think you’ve gone and shared too much, the amazing acceptance occurs. Or not I guess. I guess the thing to remember is your opinion of yourself is the only one that really matters. If you accept and love yourself unconditionally (a tough order for us all), others won’t find you to be objectionable – unless they have really low self esteem, then they’ll pounce on every weekness like a cat in a buggy meadow. Not the kind of people you should necessarily surround yourself with, or confide in. But the rest, well, having people to confide in is a wonderful thing. Definitely worth the risk, don’t you think?
Intimacy is scary, I know that, but isn’t it an exercise in futility to hide from someone you want to be intimate with? It takes a leap of faith.
Comment by Cheri — 6/23/2006 @ 9:05 am
To be honest, Wendi, I never really checked my logs for them in the first place. I just assume they’re reading my blog because they just can’t get enough of me. I think of them as somewhat misguided, slightly psychotic, guardian angels. At this point in my life, I have a feeling that if anything happened to me, like a shooting or something, they’d know before anyone else! I’m sure my ex would try to collect on stuff before notifying anyone, but, well, that was taken care of a long time ago.
Oddly enough, my cell phone accidentally dialed hers the other night. I’d forgotten I still had the number in my address book, for caller-ID purposes, and it dialed her, twice. I think I feel a post about it coming on… 😉
Comment by the Network Geek — 6/23/2006 @ 9:08 am
Yes, Cheri, that is, of course, the issue.
I’ve always been leery of trusting anyone too much because I was brought up believing that people would use that against me. Then, of course, the World validated that warning message over and over and over. So, now it’s a little more challenging than it was before. And, really, it wasn’t so easy before, either.
Comment by the Network Geek — 6/23/2006 @ 9:27 am
wow, i thought i had a few unique readers, but apparently whatever comments you’re censoring are quite interesting. hang in there, and go easy on yourself.
Comment by Jill — 6/23/2006 @ 1:21 pm
Thanks, Jill. I know I’m a little hard on myself, but, well, it’s part of how I was raised. I am my own worst critic! Except for, possibly, my ex-wife and her husband, and even then it’s a toss-up. I think that’s part of what muzzles my muse, incidentally. That Critic is always at my shoulder like a dark angel telling me all the things I’m doing wrong.
Anyway, yeah, life sure gets interesting sometimes. I just wish mine were a little less interesting. You’d never know how hard I work at being boring to look at my life from the outside.
Comment by the Network Geek — 6/23/2006 @ 1:28 pm