On Marriage
When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.
Friedrich Nietzsche
I know someone who thinks she’s getting married. It may sound pessimistic, but I think differently.
So, there’s this former receptionist from my office, C. She and this other guy from work have been alternately going out or breaking up or fighting like Arabs and Israelis for most of a year now. Somehow, because I showed more than a little interest in her when she first started, I got sucked into this. Now, mainly, I try to maintain my status as a somewhat interested observer, but I don’t always manage it. She tells me one thing and then I hear something different at work. Now, it seems, after calling it quits a couple of weeks ago, this guy has asked her to marry him. At least, that’s what C. has told me. I think she earnestly believes that’s what’s going to happen, but I don’t. Or, at least, I hope not for both their sakes.
Oh, sure, there’s lots of passion in this relationship and I can tell you from first-hand experience, that passion can be powerful stuff. But, it also lies. It shouts in your ear, telling you that this is the ONE, regardless of all their faults. It bellows about the intensity of two hearts beating as one in a raging forest fire of shared desire. But, to do that, it yells and screams over those little voices that tell you something’s wrong. That she smokes too much or that he pays too much attention to other women. Passion drowns out all those very logical and reasonable voices that tell you you’re making a mistake. And, I’m afraid that C. doesn’t hear those tiny voices over the roar of her amniotic ocean.
On the other hand, take my friends J and L.
Now, these two have something that runs deeper than simple passion. I’ll grant you, I haven’t been privy to all their trials and tribulations of blending two lives together, but I know enough. And, of course, there was the whole “cold-feet” incident around Christmas. It was a close thing, their marriage. But it was different, in part because of the doubts.
You see, doubt really is healthy. When I got married, I was very, very sure that it was the right thing and that everything could be overcome and would work out for the best. And, all the other platitudes one hears about that passionate, erotic love. But, there is no amount of passion that can overcome a huge gap in values or in the value found in another person. You see, The Queen of the Damned and I had different ideas about what to value and how to show it. In the end, we both felt the other was taking us for granted and getting more than they gave. I’m honestly not sure who was right there, if anyone was, but the perception is what matters.
And, that’s why I think J and L will make it, ultimately, but C and her dream won’t. J and L see each other for who they are and value that. Not in spite of their short-comings or flaws, but because of them. Because they can see that most glorious thing in each other, a friend. Someone they look forward to spending time with, but are not consumed by. Now, I would imagine that, being newlyweds, they have to work a bit at the not being consumed. It’s tricky to find that balance between being a couple and being individuals and I admire the work that they put into doing that.
I’m thankful that I know them and can see the relationship they’re still developing. I’m honored that they invite me into a part of that world they’ve created together. They’re far from perfect, but, without realizing it, I think they’ve become the model after which I hope to build my own future relationship, or relationships. (Hey, I’m a realist! For me, there’ll probably be more than one before I find a good fit. I’m an acquired taste!) They give me hope that things can work out differently in my future than they did in my past.
That quote at the beginning, by the way, was something I was going to say at J and L’s wedding, in the toast that I didn’t get to make because I was in the hospital.
Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up."
--Ogden Nash
