I accept
I have learned to accept certain things about my life.
I accept that I will never have children of my own.
I very much wanted them and I know I would have made a good father, but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. So, I’ll be Uncle Jim to all my friends’ kids. I’ll have toys at my house and be the cool, pseudo-uncle that they all love to come visit. And, until they breed, I’ll be the best uncle I can be to my own niece and nephews.
I accept that I will probably die alone.
In the end, don’t we all? I mean, even if there’s someone there with us, we really still die alone. Thanks to the same cancer treatment that sterilized me, I’ll live more than long enough to get my affairs in order, to get out of debt and pre-pay for my funeral and cremation. Hell, I may even get one of those Star Trek urns to be buried in.
I try to keep hope alive and an open mind and all that, but, really, I just have a hard time seeing myself with anyone. I have a hard time picturing anyone who’s interested in being with me. My last hope of possibly starting something with the cute, red-headed federal parole officer pretty well died last night. I overheard part of something that I shouldn’t have and it sounded an awful lot like someone saying “she” wasn’t interested in “him”. And, yes, while that doesn’t mean much, I took it as significant that the two people stopped talking when I walked up and wouldn’t explain further when I asked. I’ll grant that the world doesn’t revolve around me, but, well, sometimes it’s not my ego talking, you know? I don’t think it was in this case.
So, anyway, my point is, if not her, then who? There just isn’t anyone else even on my radar and I got so tired of the bullshit with Match.com that I canceled that last week. I don’t know. I suppose I can always hope for that miracle to happen.
I accept that I’ll never be a famous author.
Sure, I might be the number one hit on Google for Network Geek, but that’s not really fame, is it? And, is this blog even really writing? I may write fiction and even publish it, but I just don’t see myself ever being famous or winning awards. Maybe it’s just the antibiotics and blood thinners talking, but I definitely see myself living a modest life of obscurity. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Hell, most people don’t get more than that and damn few get that far. At least, at the level of comfort that I enjoy. And, as I sit here typing this on a laptop with my feet propped up next to my digital camera looking at a Japanese sci-fi movie on my HDTV, I am more than aware of just how comfortable I am.
It’s a good life.
It may not be what I imagined or what I dreamed of, but it’s a damn good life and I’ve lived far better than I had any right to expect. I’m lucky, really, to be alive at all.
It really is a good life.
Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"When in doubt, don't."
It’s January. I’ve been feeling a little dissatisfied with my life too. Match.com sucks. I sometimes wonder if all the good ones are married, but then I read your blog and know better. It’s sad that there are so many people in this world who are lonely and just never find each other. They are out there trying to find the one tree in a vast forest.
In January I often find myself ruminating over regrets. I should have joined the peace corps (I might yet when I know Zach is ok)and I should have gone to college when I was still young enough to enjoy it. Sometimes it hits me that I’m lucky just to have had a chance at life at all! Being alone is hard. Having children doesn’t really change that because, eventually they move on and leave you behind.
And what is it with red heads?
Comment by Cheri — 1/28/2008 @ 11:49 am
First about being alone:
You come into this world alone, you go out of this world alone, you spend most of your time in this alone….whats wrong with being alone?
Second:
Go to the bar and you will find more than a few people just like yourself. Solve problem number one.
Third:
Self-pity will get you nowhere. There is an old saying about a sailor in a bar asking twenty women if they want to get “close” and getting slapped 19 times…go figure…
Have a nice day!
Comment by another CNE — 1/28/2008 @ 12:45 pm
I don’t know, Cheri, but red-heads get me every time. I think it may be genetic, in my case at least, since my father had a thing for red-heads, too. Though, oddly enough, he didn’t marry one. Surely that’s significant, isn’t it?
And, yes, dissatisfaction is certainly what I’m feeling. God knows, I’m trying very hard to be satisfied with my life right now, because it really is a damn good life, but… Well, I suppose that dissatisfaction is what keeps me moving, working on things and trying to improve.
But, if you’re trying to imply that I’m feeling sorry for myself another CNE, then you must be pretty new here. I’m not feeling sorry for myself at all, though I certainly can see how someone could get that idea from the post.
No, I mean it when I say that, while I’m not happy about being alone or not being able to have kids anymore, I really have a damn good life. Better than most, really. It’s just, well, like Cheri wrote, I’m not satisfied with that. Match.com didn’t work and I’m not meeting single women at church. I’d rather not get involved with a barfly, though, so thanks for the suggestion, but I don’t think so. No, I’m doing my best to leave it up to the Universe or God or whatever to sort it out and just be open to the opportunity if it should pass by me. I’m just not seeing how it’s going to arrive, if it is, the way things are now. Nor can I see a way to change things to weight things in my favor, either. I guess I’ve spent so much time cheating around rules, now that I can’t game the system, I’m a little at a loss for what to do next.
Comment by the Network Geek — 1/28/2008 @ 1:11 pm
I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now and I have never writing until now. This one just touched me. You accept you are HUMAN and grateful to be alive. You seem like an amazing guy who has lots to offer and one day life will offer something back to you and you’ll recognize it and embrace it.
You may not think your blog is writing but it is. I’ve learned a lot about computers from your blog and every morning I come into work…sit down…boot up and read your thoughts of the day.
So while you are accepting things please accept you brighten the world of stranger out in cyber space every day 🙂
Comment by Jenn — 1/29/2008 @ 8:01 am
Jenn, thank you for your comment.
I can tell from my webserver’s stats page that I have thousands of visitors every day, but I always wonder who’s reading and why. Not everything about my life goes into this blog, but I do throw a lot of chaotic, disparate stuff here, partly with the intention to entertain or educate, but also to help me sort out some of my own thoughts. There are certainly thoughts that I keep to myself, but I do try to keep it honest here.
And, believe it or not, in spite of the title, I try to keep the technical stuff and general geekery to manageable levels. Sort of makes you wonder what I hold back, doesn’t it? 😉
Comment by the Network Geek — 1/29/2008 @ 1:23 pm
I tend to agree with Cheri about the January and depression thing. After holiday, blues.
You have a lot of friends and a tight circle of us that care about you, use your support network of us, I certainly use it and I am so glad that I have it. Who else can I call, Jimstar? 🙂
You’re a good friend, and I love ya!
Comment by redassaggie00 — 1/29/2008 @ 1:29 pm