Diary of a Network Geek

Not the worst book I’ve read.
Well, I finally finished Numbered Account this weekend. It was okay. Not great and not terrible, but obviously a first novel and probably a “one hit wonder”. The author notes say that he was in Swiss banking for a long time and he obviously wrote what he knew. I suppose this was meant to be a kind of murder mystery/terrorist intrigue set against the fast-paced backdrop of Swiss banking. And, yeah, it’s about as exciting as it sounds. Oh, I suppose that a banker or an accountant might have found the technical details fascinating, but, frankly, at just over 750 pages, I found it mainly tedious. There was just enough to keep my resolve to finish every book I start and play it all the way through, but just barely. Honestly, most of the reversals were so obvious that I couldn’t figure out why the author took so long to reveal them. Who was sleeping with who and who was betraying who simply were NOT a mystery to me at all and that level of obviousness detracted quite a bit from the story. Anything that disturbs my willing suspension of disbelief ruins the purpose of reading fiction, for me, and the blatant exposure of clunky technique did that in this case. Frankly, I cannot reccomend anyone read this book. But, if you still feel the pull of daring-do in the fascinating world of banking, let me know and I’ll GIVE you the book.

I also read The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment this morning. Before you get all impressed, remember, this book is less than 80 pages long and is meant for a LAZY person, as the title suggests. Still, I like to reread this particular book on a regular basis to remind myself that being at peace with the world is as easy as making a decision to not let things bother me. Phrases like “Love as much as you can from wherever you are.” and ” Love is the only dimension that needs to be changed” and “Go beyond reason to love: it is safe. It is the only safety.” and “Enlightenment doesn’t care how you get there.” all remind me about what’s important and what I should be concerned with in this life. The whole attitude in this book makes life easier to live. It’s a great book and I highly reccomend it.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"It's nothing against you to fall down flat, but to lie there--that's disgrace."
   --Edmund Vance Cooke

That’s an interesting question these days.
The honest answer is that I don’t know. At least, I don’t know completely. That’s not to say that I’m particularly complicated or mysterious, because I don’t think I am any more complicated than anyone else. As a modern member of the human race, though, I’ve come to accept that I am often a walking contradiction.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the man my father hoped I would be when I was born. Have I lived up to his expectations for me? Exceeded them, perhaps? I worry that I am a dissapointment to him. Too arty, too flowery, too sensitive and not hard enough, not tough enough, not, well, not man enough for him. I think that’s why I got my tattoos. To prove to my father, who once told me that nothing I could do would shock or surprise him, that I was a tough enough man to wear a dragon. I got the second to balance the first. And, I suppose, to prove to myself that I was brave enough to go back, knowing how much it would hurt. Oddly enough, after the second, my father at 60-something, went and got his first tattoo. I think so that he could prove to me that he was as tough as I was!
Somewhere along the way, I’ve become even more unflappable than my old man. Friday night, Steve the Zookeeper was telling me something that was meant to shock me. I could tell by the way he looked at my face afterward, searching for a reaction. I smiled at him and said, “oh, hmm, that’s not something most folks know, I guess”, or something like that. He started laughing and said,”oh, yeah, I forgot who I was talking to! You’ve pretty well seen it all, haven’t you?” And, I had to agree, I have. And, if I haven’t seen it, I know someone who has, or I’ve read a book about it. I just don’t shock easy any more. After the cast of characters that has populated my life, to one degree or another, little bothers me about people. So, I’ve become truly what my father told me he was, unshockable. Hell, even my therapist asks me questions about sub-cultures that I’ve participated in. Areas of expertise that help him gauge a couple of his other clients. I think he’s even impressed at how easily I talk about it, without shame, guilt or remorse. Just something I did once, but don’t do anymore.
Still, I search out the edges of who I am. Right now, I’m reading two books, which is a bit unusual for me. I usually stick to one until I’m all the way through. But, when I started Jesus in Blue Jeans, the little sections were so dense with eye-opening information and thoughts that I couldn’t read more than a few pages at a time. So, in between, I started reading Numbered Account, about mystery and intrigue in the exciting, fast-paced world of Swiss banking. It’s actually better than it sounds, though very much outside my normal genres of reading. I try to do that more these days. Push outside my normal, comfortable life. To find out who I am. New music, too. Or, sometimes, back to old. Everything from Lord of Acid to Frank Sinatra to Morrissey to Dar Williams to Foghat to Gorillaz. I just grab whatever seems appealing at the time. I guess, I’m trying to rediscover who I am alone, without a partner. So much of who I was got tied up into that relationship that part of me got lost.
So, like an explorer without a map or even a native guide, I stumble blindly into the unknown. Seeking for that person I was supposed to be. For the man my father wanted me to become. For the man I’d hoped to be. For the man I really am.
What is this all about? I don’t know. Maybe it’s that time of year, or maybe it’s just something in the water. I’m lost and confused and I want to know what this all means. I want answers! But, there are none. Ambiquity is just how the world works, whether I like it or not. I wonder if anyone reading this cares besides me. I just want to understand myself and find someone who wants to understand me, too. In that special way that only one other can. I wonder if I’ll ever find her… Or, if she’ll find me.