Diary of a Network Geek

The trials and tribulations of a Certified Novell Engineer who's been stranded in Houston, Texas.

3/7/2004

Why?

Filed under: Life, the Universe, and Everything,One Year Manual,Personal — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Dragon which is in the early morning or 9:48 am for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waning Gibbous

Welcome to the long, dark night of my soul.

Okay, maybe that’s an exageration, but I can honestly say that I’m less than pleased with my life. And, invariably, when that happens it’s due to a lack of spirituality in my life. Honestly, I try to give myself credit for “improvement” whatever that means, but I’m just so results oriented that I have a hard time convinceing myself that anything less than perfection is “okay”. Sometimes, it feels like all the years of pronouncing tech Band-Aids “good enough” builds up, like a massive, obessive-compulsive static charge until I just implode. I know the solution is to “let go and let God”, or, as my Grandmother used to say, “Thy will be done, Lord. Not my will, but Thy will be done”. But, it’s so hard for me to do that.

Well, as someone said once, progress, not perfection…
I’ve been working at the spiritual program outlined in The One Year Manual, but it hasn’t been going well. Most days, I manage to pray three of the four times Regardie suggests, but I almost never get enough peace and quiet to work on the relaxation and “body awareness” exercises. Or, if I do get the quiet, I fall asleep! I haven’t even read this month’s exercise yet. I’m almost afraid to, since I’m sure it builds on the exercises that I haven’t been doing. I don’t know, maybe I tried to do too much too quickly. Maybe I should just be happy with the fact that I pray more often in a day than I used to pray in a week. Maybe.
I just can’t help thinking that God is trying to tell me something. And, not something I want to hear. But, then, when I think about that, I shock myself at my own arrogance. The hubris to think that God has a special message for me! On the other hand, so many people seem to think that he has a special message for everyone… Hell, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not happy, but I don’t know how to let go of that. I don’t even have anything in particular to be unhappy about!

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually, so, just to keep things happy, here’s a prayer a friend of mine suggested to me…

The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis

“O Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace!
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is discord, harmony.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sorrow, joy.

Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.”

10/30/2002

On the Road Again…

Filed under: Personal — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Hare which is in the early morning or 7:03 am for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waning Crescent

You know, I didn’t think I could really enjoy going into work again. After a year of being at home, I thought I’d hate going into an office and putting in a full day’s work. But, I really sort of enjoy it.

My wife told me that I seemed happier when I got home from work these days than I ever did at ThatDamnBoatPlace. And, I guess it’s true. It’s a good work envrionment. I enjoy my supervisors, both directly above me and one step removed. I get along well with my coworkers. There’s not much pressure yet. I’m doing my regular maintenance-type stuff and they seem to think it’s great. And, I’m not a manager, which is more of a relief than I realized it could be.
I don’t think I ever really noticed how much I hated having to worry about what my employees were doing and if they were performing well enough. Not to mention all the paperwork and hassle that goes with being an IT supervisor type of person. It’s not bad when I have a good team, but if they’re too inexperienced or have too many personal problems, it gets to be a real hassle. For instance, I had an employee tell me all about their horrible childhood and want to talk to me about it all the time. Basically, she wanted to use me as a therapist because her therapist couldn’t help her. Now, I’m pretty good at helpng people with their problems and all, but c’mon, I’m supposed to be maintaining servers, not employees!

Anyway, I don’t have that here. Things are rolling along, and I should be too. More tomorrow or the next day. But, today, I’m off to work!


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