Diary of a Network Geek

The trials and tribulations of a Certified Novell Engineer who's been stranded in Houston, Texas.

11/7/2004

Let’s Get Personal

Filed under: Criticism, Marginalia, and Notes,Deep Thoughts,Life, the Universe, and Everything,Personal — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Horse which is around lunchtime or 1:54 pm for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waning Crescent

I’ve got a lot on my mind.

So, I’ve been thinking lately. That’s never a good sign.
I’ve been thinking about crutches. Not the kind you use when you break a leg, but the other, less desirable kind. I’ve used lots of crutches in my day. Everything from smoking to over-eating to religion and even sex. I’ve used almost every crutch you can think of to not deal with psychological pain, except, ironically, drugs or alchohol. I’m thankfull that I’ve never turned to those, but the one’s I have used are bad enough.
I’m working on my weight, but, at 186 pounds, I’m doing okay there. I did just enjoy a pipe before coming in to write this. (No, not a “bowl” a pipe with regular, legal, tobacco.) I’m not going to go into details on what’s causing my pain, but I will say that I’m dealing with it in much more healthy ways than I have in the past. I haven’t gone and eaten a whole half-gallon of ice cream by myself, for instance. I haven’t sought out sex to numb the pain. I really should pray more, but, that’ll come in time.

A number of years ago, I would have done physical harm to myself to avoid the psychological pain. I’d have cut myself or burned myself, but I haven’t done that in years and I’m not going to start again.
In fact, of all my crutches, the only one I can reccomend is God. God’s always there, waiting for me to come back. Always patient with me. God always believes in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. I wish I could trust in Him more and let His plan for me, whatever that may be, unfold without my trying to control it. It’s hard for me to let go. But, I keep trying.

I don’t know how things are going to turn out and that scares me. I don’t like living in fear. But, what are my other choices? I just have to keep going and hope for the best. I trust that God will find the best way for me, even if I don’t know what that way is myself.


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