Diary of a Network Geek

Well, I guess it’s time for an update.

I got a bit of a shock this past week.  Thursday when I went in for what I thought would be a regular doctor’s visit, they were talking about checking me into the hospital for my next round of chemotherapy. Apparently, there was a bit of miscommunication, or lack of communication, when I was checked into the hospital last time, since it was on an emergency basis.  All my chemotherapy is going to be inpatient, not out-patient.  So, in other words, every twenty days, or so, I’ll be checking into the hospital for five days worth of carefully controlled, medically monitored poisoning.  And, I get to do that at least four times, most likely six times, possibly more.
So, Monday, I’ll be visiting my doctor then checking in to the hospital for my next round of chemotherapy.

I have to admit, this whole process has left my head spinning a bit. Just as I was getting used to the idea of being weak and doing out-patient chemotherapy, not to mention the loss of my hair and some of the other minor side-effects, I find out that I’m going to be spending quite a bit of time in the hospital.  And, of course, that means that the chemotherapy they’re going to hit me with is most likely going to be as powerful as the last round.  I can only figure that means every round will be like that.  I’ll be honest here folks, that scares me.  That first round of chemotherapy really took it out of me at the end. Granted, I could’ve stood to lose those ten pounds, but I don’t think I can afford to do that four or six more times!
And, yes, I’m a little afraid of how I’ll be able to take care of myself after each round.  I thought my life would even out a bit and be more, well, “normal”.  At least, as normal as my life ever is.  But, I don’t think that’s going to happen for a couple of months.  Months.  Even thinking in those terms scares me a little bit.  Months of this… Well, so far, you all and God have seen me through, so I have to just trust that it will all work out somehow.  I don’t pretend to know how or what that will look like in the end, but I know that somehow, someway, it just has to all work out okay.  There’s an old Arabic saying that, translated, says something like “Where there is life, there is hope”, so that’s what I try to remind myself when things seem impossible.  As long as I’m still alive, somehow whatever life throws at me can be survived and overcome.  That doesn’t mean I don’t get scared or frustrated or tired, but I know that I just have to keep trying, no matter what.

So thank you for all you’ve done for me so far.  I hope I don’t have to ask much more of you all, but I’m afraid that I will need still more help.  And, as those old Bartyles and James ads used to say, “Thank you for your support”.