Diary of a Network Geek

The trials and tribulations of a Certified Novell Engineer who's been stranded in Houston, Texas.


Review: The Strangers

Filed under: Fun,Movies,Personal,Red Herrings,Review — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Sheep which is mid-afternoon or 3:00 pm for you boring, normal people.
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Quite possibly the least frightening scary movie I’ve ever seen.

Well, Child’s Play may have been worse, but The Strangers really is a bad, bad movie.
Granted, I am not the biggest fan of so-called horror films because I find them sadly formulaic and predictable, not to mention generally not scary, either. Also, mostly, the people in these movies never seem to learn and they make giant, ridiculous mistakes. Sadly, as much as I hoped this movie might surprise me, it did not.

So, the basic premise of The Strangers is this: A “happy” couple has a bit of relationship trouble after a friend’s wedding but end up out in the country at an isolated house where they’re stalked by persons unknown. One of the many formulas for horror films. So, naturally, here’s this couple, played by Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, and they’re having a fight about the fact that he’s asked her to marry him but she’s not ready to marry. And, of course, their fight leads them to sex. Well, almost… As they’re starting to get their freak on, a girl knocks at the door asking for some other girl by name, but, of course, not anyone the couple knows. That’s the last drama for almost an hour. Yes, that’s right, an hour. He goes out for cigarettes and she changes clothes while she dashes about the house hearing the usual “is someone there?” stuff that end up in horror movies. By the time he gets back with her cigarettes, she’s freaking out and we know that someone else is there. And, finally, there’s some hope that plot will occur and someone will die.

Well, there are finally a couple of deaths and a little bit of suspense and a bit of violence. But, let’s look at the mistakes now, shall we? First of all, they’re eating Bluebell Ice Cream. Now, that means that these folks are in the rural South somewhere, since that’s mostly where Bluebell is available. In fact, I’m betting they’re supposed to be in Texas, which is home to the Brenham-based dairy. So, that would mean that there should be guns in the house somewhere. Not just the shotgun they find, but one or more revolvers. I mean, seriously, can anyone believe that a rural Texas home doesn’t have more than just a shotgun? Really? Or that a guy would not have at least a passing understanding of how to use it? C’mon! I bet Live Tyler in real life has a better understanding of guns than the “hero” of this story!
Then, Liv Tyler spends most of the movie running around barefoot. Can you not take the time to put on shoes before trying to outrun a someone you think is going to kill you? I mean, seriously, am I going to make a mad dash to a barn over an unknown hillside trying to get away from a murderer without putting on shoes? Yeah, I don’t think so, either.
And, do I really need to go into the whole “stay together” thing? Or, do I need to reinforce what a good idea it is to keep your cellphone charged? Or how silly it is to stand by the windows when the killers are right outside and have an axe? Seriously, the two characters in this movie deserved to die. They were too stupid to live. It was just evolution in action.

Honestly, if this isn’t the worst movie I see all year, I’d be shocked. In fact, if I hadn’t only spent four dollars on the matinee to see The Strangers, I’d be really upset. Do yourself a favor, though, and don’t bother seeing this movie, or even renting it. Trust me.

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