Diary of a Network Geek

So, another Thanksgiving has come and almost gone.

Another holiday.  Another celebration, though not what I’d planned, not what I’d expected.  Good, though.  Better.
Today, instead of the big Thanksgiving dinner I’d been imagining all year long, I had a much quieter, more intimate dinner.  It was better, really.  Tomorrow, I’ll have my big celebration.  Not with the family I was born into, but the family I’ve chosen, the family that I’ve gathered and that has chosen to gather around me.  Today, though, was a different celebration all together.  Rather than distract myself from a bitter anniversary with lots to do and a big crowd, filled with noise, I spent the afternoon and evening with three very dear people.  A friend who saw me through the confirmation of my diagnosis with cancer three years ago.  Who stayed with me when I was checked into the hospital unexpectedly, making sure I was settled, forever earning her a soft spot in my mother’s heart.  And her son, a young man I don’t know too well, but who’s quite something in his own right.  And another friend, who is hard to pin down.  One of the things I enjoy about her, actually, is that just when you think you have her figured out, she reveals some new facet, some new twist that shows you really haven’t figured her out at all.  She’s the riddle to which there is no answer.  And, surely, my readers know by now just how much I love those virtually impossible to solve puzzles, especially when they come in human form.

As always seems to happen during events like this, someone shares a secret with me.  Something intimate and private and not known to the greater mass of people.  I don’t know if it was the tryptophan or sugar-high of the Goode Company pecan pie or some weird vibe I give off, but, well, there it is.  And, outside of mentioning how amazed I am that such a diverse variety of people find me worthy of being trusted with such very intimate details of their lives, I do my best to keep those personal secrets.  In truth, I am honored to be trusted so, since I know so very well how I was not always so trustworthy.  It’s hard for me to remember that these people never knew me in that life, that they have only known me as I am today, not how I was when I was so deeply and painfully enmeshed with my ex-wife and that life we led together.

I’m proud of the fact that I made it through the entire day with out telling the story.  The story of how she left the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  How we’d had a discussion, a somewhat one-sided discussion, about how I knew she’d been cheating on me for months.  I stated it as a fact I knew, though, in truth, I only had circumstantial evidence and a feeling.  Of course, that doesn’t change the fact that I was right.
So, while I was in the shower, without any additional warning, she gathered up her daughter and a couple of suitcases, jumped into the only working car we had and left.  There was no note, no voice-mail.  I had to call her.  Since she didn’t answer her cell-phone, I had to call her parent’s house to find out where she was and find out what was really happening.  I knew, of course, but it was as if my mind refused to understand it, refused to take it all in.  I imagine it was a kind of shock, like what amputees feel when they wake up and find a limb has gone missing.
A week later, she was in Phoenix, Arizona with her lover, who’s become her fourth husband.  And, I’d gotten into her e-mail, where I read everything they’d been e-mailing back and forth for six months or more.  I read every last detail of what she’d told him about me.  Every lie and half-truth, spun to serve her particular purpose.  Worse still was seeing every intimate detail I’d ever shared with her, every embarrassing secret, every fear, every vulnerability vomited out and mocked to paint me as a particular sort of person, to color me through a very much not-rose-tinted lens as something small, dark and twisted.  Something I very much feared I really was and, in my worst moments, believe I still am or can become.

But, today, I was reminded that I am not that man.  Neither the man I was nor the man she tried to make me.  To be honest, I’m not entirely sure who or what I am today, this year, this moment, but I most certainly know what I am not.  I am not the man who was an empty, hollow shell when she left.  Nor am I the fool who was suicidal at the thought that of being left and getting a divorce.  Perhaps most importantly, I am not the man who was ready to stay married to a woman who obviously had grown to hate him nor am I the man who hated himself so much that he felt drawn to someone who never loved him and only wanted, well, wanted something from him.
No, today, people who didn’t even know me five years ago embraced me as part of the family that they chose to be with on this holiday.  They reminded me that I do have integrity and that I am worthy of trust.  That I’m safe.  Safe enough to be truly intimate with in the most important way possible.

So, this was Thanksgiving.  And, this year, though the anniversary that I can’t seem to escape hit me harder this year than it has in several years, I was reminded just how much I have to be thankful for today.
I am thankful for my family, both the one I was born into and the one that has chosen each other.  I am thankful to be employed and reasonably solvent.  I’m thankful that I have a far deeper spirituality today than I did even five years ago.  I’m thankful that I have both the inspiration and means to be artistic, in my way, and have a hobby that I can pursue with as much relish and intensity as I care to put into it.  Most of all, and this has not always been true, I am thankful this year to simply be alive.

Tomorrow, I will have an unknown number of people over throughout the afternoon and evening, for a bit of fellowship and food.  Even though my house is not quite in the shape I’d like it before having people over, I still look forward to seeing everyone who makes it by, for however long they can be here.  I look forward to the celebration of who we are and our friendships.  Though I often feel very alone this time of year, being separated from my biological family and not in a relationship, tomorrow I will celebrate the amazing number and variety of friends who share my life today.  My life looks very different today than I expected it to, and, more importantly, than it did five years ago, but it’s good life, filled with good people, each of whom I treasure for who they are.

So, I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving this year.  I know I did, and I know why I’m thankful.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
   --George Elliot

Too long between updates…

Now, for the two or three of you who actually seem interested in my sad, little personal life, here are some updates.
First, I heard from LK for the first time in months this past week. She’s moved to Colorado and has investors and capital for her business. If I understood her story correctly, she made the decision to move in less than a month and has been there about three weeks now. The good news is that her business is doing fabulously well. The bad news is that she finally had to put her faithful companion of fourteen years down right before she moved. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her. I can’t imagine loseing my Hildagard now, much less after another ten years. I wish I’d known, so that I could have been there to help her with that, but… Well, I guess times change.
I have to say that I was quite shocked to hear about the move. I know I certainly couldn’t have made that large a decision in such a short time. I hope it all works out well for her.

Second, I finally have the full, complete title to my house! After more than a year of the divorce being final, the lawyers finally got all the paperwork fixed and the house is titled solely in my name. They had to get my ex to sign a second warranty deed, which got filed in Arizona, after they lost the first one she signed. So, there’s the second surprise of the week.

Thirdly, I’ve written about as many words for NaNoWriMo as most people might be short right now. If I were to calculate it, I’d bet that I’m about 15,000 words behind the projected goal for the month. In short, as I suspected this year, it will be almost impossible to accomplish this goal. But, it’s not a total loss, since I’ve written more words of fiction in the past two weeks than I have all year. So, while I’ll most likely miss the NaNoWriMo goal of 50,000 words before the end of the month, I’ll still see quite a bit of benefit from that effort.

Fourth…
Well, the fourth thing is a two-part answer. It’s work, mainly. Work has been busy and crazy and long hours, which drains me beyond belief these days and makes it hard to find the energy to write. But, also, there’ve been some personnel changes.
Now, that means two things to me. First, of course, it means setting up machines and users and all that junk on servers. In some cases, it means undoing things left behind on machines. This time, though, it means a bit more than that.
There were two women who weren’t quite as productive as one would like let go and three hired. Two to replace the two who were fired and one new hire for a new position. All three ladies are better looking than the ones who were let go. And one in particular, we’ll call her C., caught my eye. I don’t know quite how old she is, but close to my age. She’s got an eight-year-old and a ten-year-old. She’s a writer, though she writes very different things than I do. She’s also very pretty and, apparently, still a little married. Yeah, yeah, I know. See, ladies, it’s not just you who fall for the married ones! I don’t get this at all, but the married ones all seem to find me like iron filings find a magnet. Go figure. Anyway, I had to work on C.’s computer a lot this week and got a lot of positive signals. I did my best to be ultra professional, which meant a lot of very direct eye contact. In retrospect, that may have been sending the precise signal I was hoping to muffle. Ah, well…
At one point, she asked me if I knew what I wanted out of dating, since she knew I’d been divorced for a bit. Maybe I read a bit into it, but it seemed like a signal to me, a sign.
But, I’ll tell you this, I sure don’t want to have the whole office in on anything. Those nosy bastards would be gossiping about us all the damn day. So, now, I’m torn between just ignoring the whole thing, since it’s at work, and trying to find a very discrete way to let her know I’m interested if she is and find out more about the state of her divorce. Until then, I’ll do my best not to notice how nice her hair smells or how comfortable she seems to be in close quarters with me. *gulp* Thoughts? Suggestions?

Well, time for some comfort food before bed. It’s going to be a long week.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the blogosphere….
Some of you may remember my reader warning from November, when my ex-wife was following me to other blogs and leaving strange comments there, as messages to, well, to someone. Guess what, folks? Yeah, she’s still out there and still obsessive-compulsive, apparently. In the past week, I got e-mail from two or three people who asked about my ex-wife, her location and her IP address. Yes, as far as I know, she’s still in Phoenix, Arizona, or thereabouts. Yes, if you have an IP address from that area that seems to, well, show up a lot in your logs, that’s probably her. Now, she seems to be concealing her IP address at my website, or I haven’t been looking for her in my logs very hard, or both, but she doesn’t seem to be smart enough to do that on the other blogs she’s haunting. Honestly, considering that our divorce was final five months ago, you’d think she’d be able to let go by now, wouldn’t you? I can’t imagine what she’s interested in with me anymore. I haven’t been to her blog in months, but she seems to still be very interested in mine. And, sadly, in people who comment on my blog, so, well, be warned that if you do comment on this blog, she will most likely follow you to your blog and, possibly, comment. Until she does, comment that is, just enjoy the extra hits. Feel free to contact me for more details. If you’d like, leave a comment marked PRIVATE: and I won’t let it roll live to the blog.

Again, sorry about this, but, well, these things happen. At least you know now. What a world…
Update: Well, thanks to my intrepid readers, I have more details on the strange goings on. Apparently, the IP address is associated with her new husband’s company. To limit any potential liability, I choose not to reveal the name or IP address publicly, but will provide the information on request. So, now, I’m not sure which of them is more obsessive-compulsive and can’t let go. Or, which is the worst option. Again, my apologies to anyone who’s been adversely effected by this strangeness.

No, I’m not irritated.
But, I have to admit that it gives a little warm spot inside knowing that this blog irritates my ex-wife. It’s sort of funny, and sad, that she has nothing better to do with herself than obsessively read my blog. Oh, I’m sure she’s been posting on her own blog about what a terrible person I am, listing a litany of my sins, real, imagined and invented. On last report, she was mainly going with the imagined and invented sins, though. Apparently, my actual wrong-doing just isn’t quite salacious enough to keep her new meal-ticket, or, if you prefer “boyfriend”, and her therapist entertained.
I wonder why she has such a hard time with the truth of our relationship? Really, in the end, it wasn’t anything complicated or grand or dramatic. We had problems, as individuals and a couple. She decided it was easier to run than stay and work it all out, which it is, and off she went. Honestly, I don’t have any hard feelings about her leaving anymore, though she could have done better than taking the only working car and running off with no explanation while I was in the shower. And, yes, it does help that I ended up with everything because she abandoned it at my house after the divorce. She could have made a better choice of places to land than in Phoenix, Arizona, with a guy who was married for 19 years when she met him, too. His divorce should be final Real Soon Now.
In the end, it was better that both those marriages ended, of course. Not so that those two could be together, as much as so that their partners could be free. And, yes, I know this will really light my ex-wife right up. It’s so easy, really. Just tell the truth and watch her get angry. I’m not quite ashamed of pushing her buttons, though. After all, for years when we were together, she pushed mine.
But, it doesn’t work that way anymore, does it? I don’t read her blog, so I just don’t hear her rantings. Well, except for when I day-dream about it and then she sounds like the helpless, little chimera at the end of The Fly. (Not the “modern” The Fly, but the old one. You know, the one with that little voice crying “Help me! Help me!”)
I wonder just what color she’ll turn upon reading this post?

Oh, and the Advice from your Uncle Jim? “Don’t try to mess with the guy who controls the publication media. Letters to the editor about how the world is out to get you just confirm your paranoia to the rest of the world.”

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"You can't go back and have a brand new start, but anybody can start now and have a brand new end."

Oh, Christ, is the only thing I can think to say!
While out looking for something else entrely, I found the strangest website and organization. They call themselves “Liberated Christians” and espouse a very liberal attitude, indeed. According to their website, they see no conflict between the practice of “swinging” or “polyamorism” and Christianity. (If you’re not familiar with these concepts, first off, congradulations! Second, it means having multiple sex partners concurrently.) I cannot imagine what church they’re associated with, unless they’ve created their own. Really, the very idea of this is totally against everything I’ve ever heard or read about the Judeo-Christian tradition. They challenge anyone to show them in the Bible where it says that monogmy is the correct form of marriage and claim that no one can. Personally, I’d refer them to the Book of Deuteronomy, specifically, Chapter 5, verse 18 and verse 21. They seem pretty clear on what not to do, which, by process of elimination, leaves something that suspiciously looks like monogomy.
Of course, I’m still not sure where divorce fits in, but there doesn’t seem to be a prohibition against it anywhere in the Bible that I know of, at least. And, frankly, one at a time seems a whole lot different than what these folks are espousing. Of course, since these rather unusual folks are based out of Phoenix, Arizona, it may be that the heat got to them. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something about living in Phoenix that does something to your thinking. Well, anyway, Phoenix is as good a place as any for them, I suppose. Freaky.